Monday, May 08, 2006

Morning mofos, and I had not even made it to work yet

Commuting in Houston at times looks like something out of the Mad Max movies or maybe one has to drive like Jimmy "Popeye" Doyle. I usually would not complain or rant, since at this point I am starting to get used to the fact that people who drive here just have no sense of civility, to put it politely. Don't get me wrong. I learned to drive in Puerto Rico, one of the worst driving places you can imagine, but at least there people have some civility when they do something. Back in Puerto Rico, they may cut you off, but at least they wave as they do it. I have also driven in Chicago and a few other metropolitan areas. Houston just has that, "je ne sais quoi," that something about its drivers who proclaim, basically, "f*** you, I am driving here." In Spanish, we would call them "hijos de puta," except to do so might actually lessen such a lofty insult reserved for true s.o.b.'s. Apparently, all that campaign about Texas hospitality is lost in Houston roads. At any rate, the "Morning Commute Mofo" Award for this morning goes to:

The guy in the white luxury (I think it was a Lexus) car who, seeing that the three lanes in the road were moving slowly (due to one of the many delays in Houston's fine roads), decides to get into the left turn only lane (the road at the intersection I was in diverges from three lanes to five, the two extra for a left turn), thereby blocking everyone behind him, including myself, who actually had to make that left turn. And why does this mofo deserve the MCM Award? Because the reason he got into the turn lane was in a lame attempt to get ahead in traffic. In the end, he actually found some sucker to let him back into his lane as he sped ahead with the intention of cutting off whoever was going to move ahead with the green light. And he did not even get ahead at all. A lot of people passed by him. The only reason I am not posting that mofo's license plate here to add him to the Hall of Mofos is that he was two cars ahead of me. Now, what would be an MCM Award without a runner up? Today, we can nominate two.

One, the lady who also got into the left lane, then into the turning lane to try the same stunt, only to see right away she was not going anywhere. Mind you she did it without a turn signal, and only the fact that I drive cautiously and defensively kept me from being hit. Had it being another of our upstanding reckless drivers, the wreck would have probably delayed me for another hour in getting to work.Not to mention that she had been "jackrabbiting" lane to lane earlier in a lame attempt to find the fast lane. You know it's Murphy's Law: the moment you move to the lane that seems to move faster, it slows down. Apparently, she was not familiar with Murphy or his laws.

Two, the lady behind me, who was driving this huge Fjord Explosion while fiddling with God only knows what on her seat. Could it have been her cellphone? Her breakfast? Her makeup? Her lingerie? The world will never know. All I know is that I had visions in my rearview mirror of being squashed like a bug by an Urban Assault Vehicle, not unlike one of those little cars at a monster truck rally. By the way, ladies doing their makeup in their cars as they drive in the morning could be a post onto itself. These are the women that men usually mean when they say, "damn women drivers." And before some angry feminist woman writes to me, keep in mind, I am married to a woman who is a good driver (one of the very few people I will allow to drive for me. I prefer to drive myself), as was my mother (health prevents her from doing so now), and most women I know personally are decent on the road. One common pattern? They don't try to apply mascara or pull up their pantyhose up while they drive. Maybe one of these days if I get one of those camera cellphones I will post the proof. These ladies are women who think they get bonus points if they can apply their lipstick while talking on the cellphone while driving. The point is those ladies give a bad name to women driving as a whole. Thinking about it, rather than coming after me, any feminist woman out there thinking of directing their outrage at me can instead direct it at them. Just tell them, "hey sister, you are making the rest of us look bad."

And finally, what would a commute be without some indecent exposure? Some readers may know that I commute via Houston's (not-so) fine public transportation system. I drive to a Park and Ride, and then I take the bus downtown. Once I got into the lot, after the aforementioned left turn (and by the way, I would say that particular intersection likely has about an accident a month, usually a mofo who thinks the yellow light will wait a bit longer for him or her. Another common reason is people like to speed in the long stretch before hitting the Interstate, but they fail to slow down if the traffic slows down. Resul is usually a rear end fender bender. I saw one last week in fact, but I disgress), I started walking to the bus. Now, I usually park a bit of a distance. While I was walking, I look to the right to cross from one parking aisle to another, and what do I see? A man with his pants wide open. Yes, you read it here. The guy was apparently tucking his shirt in, and he had opened his pants to do so, thus showing a bit more than usual. The thing I wonder now is if the lady who arrived at the Park and Ride at about the same time saw him or not. He seemed totally casual about walking in broad daylight, opening his pants and fixing his shirt. How he kept his pants up is beyond me as he walked is beyond me.

And all this before I even got on the bus to work. Just another fine day here in Houston.

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